Ashes and sex swings - A Karl and Gregory-Jane story (READ AFTER EXTERMINATE THIS!)

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EIGHTEEN AND UP CONTENT WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SEX, FETISHISM AND STRONG LANGAUGE

“When our time is done, there’s nothing left on this earth I want to do save walk into the sun with your ashes so that I can spend eternity dancing in the wind with you.”- Karl

“Was it bigger than mine?” – Also, Karl

 

 

Ashes and sex swings
              By Jenny Iroh             

  

My hand covered my mouth, and I crossed my legs, vaguely ashamed that I was so aroused, while being absolutely enthralled. I’d broken down and searched “sex swings” on the internet.

It was a terrible life choice.

I was almost 25 and this was the first time I’d ever looked up porn. I mean, I’d caught glimpses when my ex would hide his browser, but I’d never actively looked for people smashing naughties. Especially with such recoil. Those swings really made things bounce.

My phone dinged at that moment.

It was my boyfriend, Karl.

I closed the computer and sat there for a minute, wondering what to do. Texting made it easier to communicate. I could usually think of a reply. Because I have a traumatic brain injury and a weird superpower, my natural inclination was to word-barf. Also, Karl was going to need an explanation, and that felt like conflict; I don’t do well with conflict. Or anything really.

Karl texted again. I stared at the phone, unsure what to do.

The phone rang while I looked at it.

Shit.

Karl is a vampire. He, along with everyone else in the preternatural universe used to be able to hear my thoughts nonstop, because I projected really loudly. My superpower, if you’d call it that, was hearing things that wear skeletons on the outside. Bugs and stuff. I live in Florida, so we have a lot of bugs and stuff. Those voices in my head all of the time, all at once, left no space for my independent thinking. My thoughts ran about like rude little puppies, pissing in every vampire’s head.

That got sort of fixed in a strange and existential way. It flared up, though, like brain hemorrhoids.

Those piles in my head made me really valuable as vampire property, and there were a few toothy monsters who wanted to bind me and make me a blood-sex-magic slave. But Karl didn’t. Our relationship is so backwards that it made sense that he didn’t do that. A few weeks ago, Karl did the unthinkable, and he bound his life to mine; instead of biting me and making me his slave, he did the opposite.

That meant he was prone to feel my moods, even if he couldn’t always hear my thoughts. Sometimes my moods were loud.

I picked up the phone.

I didn’t want to do this.

“Why are you ashamed and horny?” he asked.

“Porn.” I said. “Oh damn, I want to die. Karl don’t ask right now, OK? Don’t.”

The phone was silent.

“Karl? Are you mad at me?” I whispered. He was a vampire, he could hear me sneeze from a mile away, so whispering was the same as speaking.

“Not mad, sweetheart, just unsure why you’re looking at porn without me,” he said. “I’m coming home.”

“You don’t have to…” I said. Too late. The phone went dead.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

I did not want to explain this. Karl was super old, and I was brain damaged, so we both required detailed explanations of stuff sometimes, just so we’d have clear understanding of the other person’s actions. I did not want to explain this.

I decided to run away. Because I’m a grown up.

I grabbed my keys off Karl’s coffee table and jumped in my work van.

I’d mostly moved in with Karl immediately after we had sex the first time. Moving in that soon after getting laid seems pretty desperate, even for me. I was generally ready to get married after a date or two, but this just made sense. I didn’t officially live here, I lived in my childhood bedroom at my parent’s house, but I never left, and I brought most of my clothes to Karl’s.  It was just easier that way.

He worked nights as the king of vampires, I worked days as an exterminator, and the few hours we saw each other each day were consumed with getting nasty on every surface in his house.

His great-great-great-granddaughter, Li, moved out two days after I started staying over. I don’t blame her. She was a vampire, too, and who wants to hear grandpa getting his groove on? 

I checked the time and cussed loudly. It was 10 p.m., and I needed to go to bed, not run away. My family owns a large extermination company, and my dad had me and my twin brother, Gale, on an alligator removal in the morning. Sometimes alligator relocations are easy. Sometimes root canals are easy, too. I didn’t want to be totally exhausted in the morning, but it looked like that was unavoidable.

Unless I ran away successfully.

I didn’t have a car; I had an X-Term work van. It looked really out of place next to Karl’s new Mercedes and vintage Porsche. I sat in my van pondering possible places to flee.

In my head, I just needed to be gone when he got here, and then he’d go back to work.

Karl was the actual leader of the North American Vampire Alliance. Vampires were not like humans. Their national capitol moved to wherever their leader moved, so right now, the fate of the continent’s vampires was determined in Florida. Jacksonville, to be exact. The ports made it easy for visitors to transport coffins. Karl rented an office building there and commuted to work. He also had a lot of video meetings.

Karl didn’t sleep a lot. Li said he was really old. Really old. He was more of an ancestor than a grandfather, genetically. He couldn’t be near sunlight, but he was awake for a few hours at dusk and dawn, and he was able to do daytime business during those hours.

Also, he called me daytime business.

Jacksonville was about an hour-and-a-half drive from us, which meant Karl would be here in 15 minutes. He couldn’t fly, per se’, but he could Flash-run.

I figured he’d pop in, see that I wasn’t here, call me again, and go back to work when I didn’t answer.

I am not a dumb woman, but I am absolutely made of logical fallacy.

 I sat in the van and tried to think of where I could hide for an hour.  Chick-fil-A was about to close, so was Publix. My brother was at my best friend’s house.

Which fucking sucked.

My twin brother, the man who looked like a boy version of me, was banging my bestie, Chelsea. He’d pretty much moved in with her the way I’d moved in with Karl, which meant I couldn’t just walk into Chelsea’s whenever I wanted. I did that last week.

I was blind for three days.

That left my parents. I could go to their house, it was only 10 minutes away, and I technical lived there. My mom was always there to talk it out. Time, distance and metaphysical ideology didn’t matter to her.  

But that was a no, too. Because I couldn’t lie, especially to mom. My mom would want to know why I was upset. Then she’d want to talk about sex swings. My mom probably had experience with sex swings, and I didn’t think I could recover from that.

So, I sat in the van, panicking, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do, and Karl knocked on the window.

“Hey,” he said.

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. My hair whooshed around me. I was getting used to it.

Since I’d started dating Karl, I did things with my hair. Like wore it down and brushed it. I didn’t just take the thick curtain of red-red hair and pile it in a knot on my head. I went to a salon and got it styled, and then I did things like … blow drying. And conditioning.

Conditioning was way more complicated than you would think.

“Unlock or I’m taking off the door,” he said.

“That’s so rude!” I said. “It’s not nice to destroy company property because I don’t comply.”

“Greg, honey, I can feel you freaking out right now, you’re going to trigger an episode, you don’t have Dorcia with you, and I’m getting in the van one way or another,” he said.

All good points.

I was freaking out. My powers were horrifying, and I could lose control of them. If I let too many of the insect and arthropod voices rush in at once, I risked passing out or convulsing. My emotional support spider, Dorcia, was one of the lifelines I had against the overwhelming loss of control of my own brain. Karl and Gale were the other two.

Dorcia had just clutched and would not move from her terrarium at my mom’s house. She’d have a few hundred little baby spiderlings in a few weeks, and I was super anxious about having grand-spiders. I was also lonely and pretty vulnerable without her.  

I unlocked the door. Karl opened it, snapped my seatbelt off, reached in, and scooped me up like I was a toddler he was carrying to bed.

My name was Gregory-Jane because my mom promised a tree she’d name me after it. I say that because combining my name and my height confuses people, not that it’s their business. I’m a six-foot girl. That’s a lot of femaleness to pick up and carry in the house.

I’m proud to say that my man could. He could also throw a sedan.

Because vampires are strong.

He kissed the top of my head, carried me to the bedroom, and placed me on my favorite place in the world.

The vampire seduction bed. In his gothic vampire-cave bedroom. Yes, that shit is all real, and black silk sheets are the most amazing thing, ever.

He set me down, I curled over and turned my back to him. Karl rolled me over and faced me.

Here’s the thing: I’m really a damaged person. I have plates in my head where my skull was cracked from episodes of convulsions. I grew up in a bubble, an actual bubble, so I’m emotionally stunted. Something about my fucked-up-ness brings out this incredibly tender side of the most feared vampire on this continent. He moved slow. He touched gentle. He rarely got angry, and when he did, he acted like a pouty teenager.

Except during sex.

Then he treated me like we already had a sex swing. And it was made of me.

The sex swing.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

He brushed my check with the back of his hand.

“Why?” Karl asked.

“Can’t I just watch porn and get upset in peace?” I said moving from his hand.

“No,” he said taking my hand. He ran his thumb over a set of jagged scars over a vein. We both shuddered as he kissed it. That scar was a big deal to us.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the wrist scar was sort of like a promise ring. The two little scars at my neck were essentially engagement and wedding rings.

They don’t hand out pamphlets for this shit in Rocko’s School for Vampire Sluts.

Also, there isn’t a Rocko’s School for Vampire Sluts. I’d enroll if there was.

I buried my face in a pillow and said it.

“I looked up sex swings,” I said, muffled.

He was silent and still.

I liked that about him. Karl could go completely still, sort of like a spider. He didn’t make noise if he didn’t want to.

I grabbed another pillow and rolled it on my head.

Karl peeked under the pillow.

“Why?”

I shook my head.

“No,” I said.

“Greg…”

“No,” I said.

Karl’s phone went off.  I could feel him check it and then toss it on the floor. I’m sure people were going to die because he was taking a night off work to drag this out of me. I felt tears clog up my eyes, and close off my chest.

“Shhh, it’s OK,” he said. “Don’t cry sweetheart.”

Karl pulled me to him, tucking my chin under his head. “It’s OK, whatever it is, it’s OK.”

If the truth is known, I have a host of superpowers. I say that with a lot of sarcasm. I can hear arthropods. I throw up frequently. I pass out and convulse. It’s my brain’s attempt to keep itself sort of whole. Usually, it doesn’t work. Oh, and I cry a lot.

I cried about watching porn while my boyfriend let the world burn.

My mom was going to be so fucking smug. She knew I didn’t actually want a normal life. I did not get one, and it was the best thing that ever happened.

When the sobs subsided, he kissed my damp cheeks and murmured soft words that were mildly dirty.

I took a shuddering breath and let it all out. All of it. 

“I’m embarrassed. Really bad,” I said. “I looked up sex swings because you said you’d be OK with one when you saw the rivets in my bedroom from my bubble, and I didn’t really know what one was, so I looked it up.  It’s our dating-month-a-versary and I wanted to get you something, but now I’m just terrified that I’m a porn addict and I’m also unsure if that man was putting his massive dink in her butt. That’s also terrifying because I didn’t know dinks could go there. And now I’m scared that I’m bad at sex and you’re just really nice about it.”

Karl jerked and moved my chin up.

“Was it bigger than mine?”

“What?” I asked.

“You called it massive,” Karl said. “Was it bigger than mine?”

I sat up, annoyed by the swirl of my hair.

“I didn’t measure it!” I yelled.

Karl’s eyes were black. His face was elongated, and I could see the tips of his fangs. He grabbed me and pulled me to him.

I planted my hands on his chest. We had an open-communication relationship. If one of us didn’t understand, we asked. I had disorders and he was a monster. Communication was pretty much everything.

“Words,” I said. “Tell me why you look extremely bite-y.”

He pulled my shirt off over my head and skimmed his thumbs over my ribs.

“Vampire things,” he said. “I’m jealous beyond rational thought that you got hot watching another man. That another cock caught your attention. That you thought about fucking and it wasn’t with me.”

“I didn’t think about fucking, I watched other people fucking, it’s not the same!” I wailed. “This is why I don’t want to talk about it.”

He reached behind me and unsnapped my bra. He threw it across the room. He pulled off my pants. Karl was feral, and more demanding than I’d ever seen him. I felt a strange thrill of fear wind into the desire I always felt around him.

Each time he spoke, he touched me. Traced parts of my body with the tip of his fingers, until my breath was ragged, and I was barely able to commit to the conversation.

“I know. I can’t stand it. I want to erase it from your mind. I want to rip out the lungs of the man and the woman in the clip. I want to claim you, body and blood,” he growled.

He pulled his shirt off and I stopped breathing for a second.

“Do you want to see the video?” I asked.

Oh, yeah, asking the wrong thing at the wrong time is another one of my superpowers. That must have been the wrong thing, because Karl left the bed with his preternatural speed, and I heard things breaking in another room.

I jumped when I heard glass break. I scooted around so I could get under the covers. I was on the bed, naked, and my boyfriend was trashing the house. That made me feel vulnerable.

“Karl? Did you throw a couch through the window?”

He stalked back in, and he looked monstrous. He looked like the beastly demonic thing that lived where his dormant heart lay was close to the surface.

I loved him like this.

He’d never harm me. He’d burn the world down, literally, with his brain, for me. But Karl was a monster. A really bad one, who would never, never hurt me.

Falling for a good person who was a monster had some counterintuitive moments. This was one.

As dangerous as he was, he was also most vulnerable like this.

“I love you,” I said.

I swallowed hard as all remaining color left his eyes.

He pushed me back on the bed like I was made of glass. His jaw was tense, and the tendons stood out on his forearms as he traced my face and then exhaled on my lips.

I knew what he waited for.

“I want you,” I whispered. 

He made a noise in his throat that was half growl and half growl and kissed down the side of my neck as just the pads of his fingers traced the side of my body. He fingerpainted me with lust, barely touching, swirling, creating a fresco of desire as he lightly brushed every inch of me.

Karl kissed down my shoulder and nuzzled the side of my breast with his nose as the tip of his finger circled the other. He didn’t hit my erogenous zones head on. He danced around them, driving me absolutely bat-shit crazy. When he’d hit one, I’d damn near dislocate something jerking with surprise and feeling.

Still just working on just the sides of my body, Karl kissed down my ribs, while mirroring the action on the opposite side with his mouth.

He stopped at the hip bone, shivered, and bit me lightly right where my pelvic bones connected. I cried out and dug my hands into the sheets.

Karl knelt in front of me, looking down on me like a vengeful god, like an ancient being built of lust and revenge. Light flickered off his hair, but not his eyes. His eyes were voids, and I was lost.

Karl pushed my right leg up so that my heel was on his shoulder.

“Don’t!” I said as I tried to pull my foot away. Karl froze.

“Words,” he said softly, asking for an explanation.

“Please?” I tugged my leg.

“Why? Am I hurting you?”

I closed my eyes.

I’d never had anyone to talk to in my life, and now I had to explain everything, absolutely everything to my boyfriend. Even worse, he listened and was considerate.

“I’m afraid my feet stink,” I said.

I saw a flash of his fang as he smiled at me.

“They don’t,” he said. “May I continue?”

I grimaced and nodded. Shit.

I swallowed hard as Karl made his way, lightly teasing from my ankle to the inside of my thigh. I was almost arching off the bed at this point, and I wished he’d move over about a foot or two and stop torturing me.

“Karl please,” I asked squirming as he lightly bit the juncture of my thigh. He teased me with the smallest hint of fang. I thought I knew what was about to happen.

I was pretty sure.

I mean, he’d been down there before, and it was pretty much magic.

He’d never made face-love to the edge of my bikini line though. Generally, he was directly in the center of the lady garden.

“I want to bite you,” he said, and I almost came at the words.

He’d only bitten me a couple of times, and we’d been super careful. Always on the arm or the neck. It was absolutely the best penetration on the planet. Feeling his energy take mine, feeling his body become part of mine, feeling me become him created an electric orgasm tornado that made my hand clench thinking about it.

“What? There? Can you do that? Is that legal?”  

Karl exhaled. His entire body was trembling. I could see the light shine off his back. He didn’t sweat anymore, but I could sense the exertion, the tension, the tight control on his monster.

“Yes,” he replied. “Do you want this?”

I pushed up on my elbows and looked at him. He was positioned between my les nuzzling my femoral artery. My right knee was bent over his shoulder and my left leg was out straight. He met my eyes, his reflecting green light, like a predator. My nipples throbbed with pent-up desire, and my core pulsed with unmet need.

I nodded.

“Yes,” I said.

His eyes locked on mine as his fangs extended, and he lowered his head down, watching me watch him.

My whole body jerked when he pierced me, and I came as if we were finishing a marathon fuck-fest. I lost eye contact immediately, closing my eyes, as my head fell back. My toes curled and the sheet ripped off the corners of the bed. I screamed his name, and then locked up in a silent rictus, arched up and shaking as pulses slammed through my entire being. My scalp prickled, beads of sweat trickled down my collar bone and pooled in my belly button. Every part of me was covered in puckered goosebumps from the bite, and then he drew on the artery.

There was nothing in the world beyond that action. Nothing. I incoherently screamed, alternating my vocabulary between fuck and Karl. It felt like he’d pierced my clit. It felt like I was a full-body clit. I was sure I’d be bruised from the force I was using to strain against him, to get closer, to get him in deeper. His grip was firm, and he held me in place, despite my jerking, thrashing and cussing.

I was locked at the top of an orgasm, the absolute peak where everything clenches up and explodes. I was sure this was how I was going to die. It went on too long. I was locked up too much. My eyes rolled back in my head. I sucked in air to exhale in a scream, and there was barely enough time to get more air.

Of the many ways I’d almost died, this was absolutely the best.

Karl pulled away slowly, applying pressure with his tongue to the punctured areas, allowing them to clot up as I came down from my high.

He moved over, my leg still over his shoulder, as I went limp and whimpered a little. Karl dipped his head and touched my clit with his tongue. I jumped again.

“No, please,” I said, moving up to push his forehead away. “It’s too much.”

He pulled back and pulled me up. I kissed him, tasting the copper tang of my blood on his lips.

“You are my eternity,” he said against my lips, and I shuddered in a little post-o aftershock. “Let’s look at this swing before we finish things up.”

It was then I realized he still had his pants on. There was a massive tent in the front, and I shivered again imagining what finishing things up would be.

He padded out of the room and came back with a tablet. Pulled up the history and handed it to me as he unbuckled his pants. I swallowed hard. His legs weren’t muscled, they were artistry. He had thews.

“Did you get the muscles before or after death?” I asked as he pulled off his underwear.

“Before. We don’t change after death,” he said. “My eyes are up here, Greg.”

I laughed and dragged my attention back to his face.

“So, we’re going to watch sex-swing porn while we’re both naked and you’re still horny?” I asked.

Karl nodded and crawled on the bed.

“Karl. Have you used a sex swing before?” I asked.

Karl sighed and sat up with his back against the headboard. He pulled me to him, so that I was sitting in his lap, facing away, his erection nestled in my ass crack.

“Greg, I don’t know why you ask this stuff,” he said. “It hurts your feelings.”

I sagged away from him again, feeling the shadow of inadequacy.

His arms wrapped tight around me, and he nuzzled my neck.

“I have lived more than 800 years, sweetheart, I have done everything there is to do,” he said.

“Like, not animals, right?” I said.

“No. I never fucked animals. But there was a pagan orgy in a trough of pig blood at this village that thought I was a god in the 1300s.”

I bumped my lip on his forehead when I whipped around to look at him.

“You’re joking!”

He pulled my face to him and kissed away the drop of blood pooling on my lip.

“I wish I was,” he said. “Immortality is boring and sticking your dick in things passes time.”

I stiffened and tried to pull away. He was right. My feelings were hurt.

I wanted to get really excited because I finally knew how old he was. But I was terrified, because that was too old. Like, 800 years old was too old. There was something scary about a person being alive before, well, before anything really.

But then I did the math, and felt worse, and if he only had one partner every 10 years that was soooo many bodies. If he had orgies and shit, that was like an exponentially large number of bodies.

Part of me was mildly ashamed that I was more concerned with his sex-body count than his dead-body count, which also must have been horrific.

“Greg, don’t,” he said. “Look at me sweetheart.”

He maneuvered us so that I was looking and his chest, the forgotten iPad in my lap.

“Greg, look at me,” he asked.

I looked up, a tear falling down my cheek.

“I can’t compete with a history of …” I waved my hand in the air.

“Sweetheart, it can’t compete with you,” he said. “All of my lives have led me to this time, this place, with you. When our time is done, there’s nothing left on this earth I want to do save walk into the sun with your ashes so that I can spend eternity dancing in the wind with you.”

I swallowed hard.

“But I’m going to get old,” I said.

“Titties still be tittying,” he said, and I laughed. We saw a video with a woman talking about how all “titties be tittying” and it was the perfect joke.

Karl just said when I got old and died, he was going to end nearly a millennium of existence. We really were as good as married. Till death do us part.

“I loved my mother,” Karl said.

“So that’s a weird thing to say with your pecker poking my ass,” I said.

“Let me finish! I have loved very few people in this world. My mother died young and was a strong person. I respected my father who also died young and was a hard man. My wife…”

“No!”

“Sorry, baby, I meant to tell you that I’m a widower,” he said, kissing the tip of my nose.

“Did you love her?” I demanded. “Was she the one? Were her titties more tittier than mine?”

The bitch had been dead for 800 years and I hated her so much that my nose-hairs trembled. Those Dark Ages titties were probably amazing. My only comfort was that I bathed more than they did in the dark ages, so my titties probably smelled better.

“No, stop, ok? Can’t I try to be romantic for second? This was going to be so disarming and crushing that you’d sink on my cock in a blind swoon.” He snapped.

“Swooning on a penis seems….”

“Can I finish?”

I shrugged.

“It was arranged. We were kids and she died after having our son. We didn’t know each other,” Karl said. “My son, I loved, and I followed his line through to the last of us.”

“Li,” I said.

“Li,” he agreed. “I have never loved any person, living or dead, the way I love you Gregory-Jane. The world has become a distraction from thinking about you. I mourn every day because it’s time I’m away from you, and I curse the nights for the same reason.”

He rested his forehead on mine. I had new tears on my cheeks.

 “You are my first, last and only; you are the only thing that’s real to me anymore,” Karl said.

My brain did what it does, and I hit play on the iPad in my lap as I choked out a sob and kissed Karl.

Our attention was drawn to the screen.

“So much recoil,” I marveled.

“It’s not that big,” Karl muttered.

“Do you like that?” I asked as his hands went around my waist and he lifted me.

“I like this,” he said as he settled me on him. He plucked the device from my hands and threw it across the room.

Time stopped and he showed me exactly what he liked.

Later, I was so incoherent and spent that I just sort of lay there, mind drifting.

“Wanna get married?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But tomorrow, OK? I have work in the morning.”

I dozed off and he chuckled against my neck.

 

***  

 

I woke up what seemed like five minutes later to the blaring of my alarm. It was almost 8 a.m. and Karl was already out for the day. My alligator call with Gale was at 9 a.m., and my brother didn’t have a driver’s license.

I texted him to be ready and at the door when I drove up.

I kissed Karl on the lips and stroked his face.

All our nights had been irrationally incredible, but last night was beyond the realm of possible.

And? I couldn’t wait to tell my brother that Karl was 800 years old. He wasn’t my sugar daddy; he was my sugar Methuselah!

I paused and blushed a moment as I got into the work van. Things were still a little tender down there, and I flashed back to last night.

There was an Amazon box on my passenger seat. A small card was on top.

I opened the card, a sinking sort of elation in my stomach.

Written in Karl’s antique script:

My love, you can have the ring after I’ve talked to your father.

My cheeks flamed.

Oh no! I agreed to marry him last night.

Which was fine. But still weird.

There was more on the card.

Consider this a pre-engagement gift. For our month-a-versary.

I tossed the card down and ripped open the box.

It was the swing.

He bought me a fucking sex swing as an engagement present.

I hugged the mountain of confusing straps to me and giggled.

Holy shit I loved that man.

I hid the box in the back under a jacket and texted Gale that I was on the way.

I was never getting in that swing. But I was absolutely going to drink wine and watch him install it tonight before he left for work.

Maybe I’d get in it.

For scientific purposes. 

I giggled again and pulled out of our driveway.

 

The end